My Mother Always Told Me...

I am very lucky to have the mother I do. She is very wise. Something that she told me many years ago was: "Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you should marry(or date) that person." The second part to this wisdom- "You can never love someone enough to fix them or make them change." When my mother spoke these words I thought she was just being old fashioned...but this advice never left me, I just had a few lessons to learn first before I knew she was right.

Now that I have children of my own, and my daughter is dating, I am now passing on this wisdom. Today my daughter had to end a relationship. The boy was polite, kind, smart, didn't drink or do drugs, and even informed my daughter that he was not interested in pressuring her for sex- an all around good kid with a streak of maturity that is not often seen in high school. But... he also has very low self esteem, a lot of tragic issues in his life, and suffers from severe depression.

Initially things were fine. But it wasn't long before he sought his whole self worth through her. He would ask her what she thought his faults were, and why she liked him, and her motives for dating him. My daughter would try her best to reassure him and refused to give any negative feedback that he sought from her. But no matter how much she told him he was a terrific person, he sought an alternative motive or simply refused to believe her. At times he would see that he was pushing her away, and return to just enjoying one anothers' company. But it was always short lived- as soon as he had difficulty at home or had a bad day he would launch himself back into doubting his self worth and suspicious of the reasons my daughter cared about him.

So two days ago my daughter approached me. She said she didn't know why but she was beginning to resent her boyfriend. As we talked I imparted my mother's wisdom once again to her. She knew that no matter how much she cared about this boy that he wasn't going to believe that he was the good person that she saw. Through continuing to talk she also figured out that continuing to date this boy was hurting her, though she still cares about him and that her resentment stemmed from his demands of self worth through her.

We cannot as much as we'd like, make others responsible for our happiness. My mother's words tell us that we have to be selfish- to do what is right and be responsible for our own happiness and well being. Having others in our lives should enhance our lives, not become a labor camp for happiness for the other person. If we let others seek their happiness and self worth through us, those individuals will never be satisfied because they will constantly have the need for you to make them feel good. It is a parasitic relationship that can only be cured through the other person being responsible for their own happiness, or ending the relationship in most cases. You can never love someone enough if they do not love themselves- it is like trying to fill a cup that has a hole in the bottom if it.

My daughter still cares alot about this boy. However she knows that she can't care enough to fix him or make him love himself. Staying in such a relationship is not good for her or him- making my daughter resentful of this truly good person... while he would just continue to demand more of her, become himself resentful because he can't get what he needs from my daughter, and never seek for himself to be happy from within. Ending a toxic relationship cycle is important, though it is especially difficult when you care about the person. You just have to remember that you have an obligation to yourself to be responsible for your own happiness as well as protect your own self worth.

I'll leave you with another pearl of wisdom my mother spoke: "You cannot give what you do not have."